How do I start this blog entry? I don't know. Let me just tell you what is happening and how it makes me feel.
Since Twilight I keep listening and listening to the movie score over and over again. And quite often when I'm so focused on one certain record or playlist, I find it hard to make the transition. I have certain songs for certain moments, certain artists for certain moods; for example I couldn't listen to the Wombats if I was stressed and I couldn't listen to System Of A Down if all I want to do is dance around. The score to me means Twilight, it means bringing back the images in my head, the characters in my mind and the story in my heart. But what if I just went out for food shopping? Dreaming of Edward might be kind of distracting. So I had to choose... What should I listen to, I often wondered. And I wondered for a long time. And then the scales fell from my eyes. Of course. Vampires. My Chemical Romance. Of course. And after My Chem came Taking Back Sunday and after them came Black Flag and the Misfits. Of course. And I felt and acted like I didn't in a long time.
But this time, it felt good.
Bye bye indie-rock, bye bye everyday stories of love and happiness, bye bye Killers, Wombats and Ting Tings.
There were moments in the past few days where I wanted to be left alone, yes, even disappear at times. And that's exactly what I did. I took my iPod, full volume, put my hoods on, my chucks and my scarf and my coat and just disappeared. Nowhere near having the urge or feel to talk to anybody or even just exchange a friendly look. No, sometimes I just need to be by myself. And it felt incredibly good.
I think it's very ironic that something that may seem negative and anti-social made me feel so free. For once I truly didn't care about anything. I mean, I never gave much attention to the mainstream and mainly because I do not want to be a part of it, that's a choice I make. But working in a Coffee Shop and being surrounded by people all day, I've learned to make a step in their direction, make them feel less creeped out, maybe.
Sometimes in the past I felt like I was losing myself and who I am, but it's good to see that I can also take that step back.
I felt ultimate freedom just by having the courage and strength to go out there and just not be a part of it.
If I want to have a bad day, then this is what I'm going to do. If I want to shut you out of my life, then this is what I am going to do. Nobody can be happy for all their life, it is unnatural, and most of all - I don't want to be. All my creativity and inspiration mainly comes from having to find answers to impossible questions, solving riddles that threaten to drive me into madness, having to go through shit and coming out of it.
Fuck the bus driver, he'll survive if I don't say thanks today.
Fuck those tourists who do nothing but stand in your way.
Fuck the girl on the till, I'm just there to pay and walk away.
And maybe, today, just for once, fuck you.
