Life in a blog

How do I start this blog entry? I don't know. Let me just tell you what is happening and how it makes me feel.

Since Twilight I keep listening and listening to the movie score over and over again. And quite often when I'm so focused on one certain record or playlist, I find it hard to make the transition. I have certain songs for certain moments, certain artists for certain moods; for example I couldn't listen to the Wombats if I was stressed and I couldn't listen to System Of A Down if all I want to do is dance around. The score to me means Twilight, it means bringing back the images in my head, the characters in my mind and the story in my heart. But what if I just went out for food shopping? Dreaming of Edward might be kind of distracting. So I had to choose... What should I listen to, I often wondered. And I wondered for a long time. And then the scales fell from my eyes. Of course. Vampires. My Chemical Romance. Of course. And after My Chem came Taking Back Sunday and after them came Black Flag and the Misfits. Of course. And I felt and acted like I didn't in a long time.
But this time, it felt good.

Bye bye indie-rock, bye bye everyday stories of love and happiness, bye bye Killers, Wombats and Ting Tings.

There were moments in the past few days where I wanted to be left alone, yes, even disappear at times. And that's exactly what I did. I took my iPod, full volume, put my hoods on, my chucks and my scarf and my coat and just disappeared. Nowhere near having the urge or feel to talk to anybody or even just exchange a friendly look. No, sometimes I just need to be by myself. And it felt incredibly good.
I think it's very ironic that something that may seem negative and anti-social made me feel so free. For once I truly didn't care about anything. I mean, I never gave much attention to the mainstream and mainly because I do not want to be a part of it, that's a choice I make. But working in a Coffee Shop and being surrounded by people all day, I've learned to make a step in their direction, make them feel less creeped out, maybe.
Sometimes in the past I felt like I was losing myself and who I am, but it's good to see that I can also take that step back.
I felt ultimate freedom just by having the courage and strength to go out there and just not be a part of it.
If I want to have a bad day, then this is what I'm going to do. If I want to shut you out of my life, then this is what I am going to do. Nobody can be happy for all their life, it is unnatural, and most of all - I don't want to be. All my creativity and inspiration mainly comes from having to find answers to impossible questions, solving riddles that threaten to drive me into madness, having to go through shit and coming out of it.

Fuck the bus driver, he'll survive if I don't say thanks today.
Fuck those tourists who do nothing but stand in your way.
Fuck the girl on the till, I'm just there to pay and walk away.
And maybe, today, just for once, fuck you.

What is it about that movie that fascinates me so much? The first time I saw it – on Sunday, really not long ago – something happened. I was touched in such a deep way no movie or book or anything like that ever did before. It’s just a story.
Since Sunday evening, since that night I couldn’t stop crying, even when the lights went on, even when people were leaving and the credits were running, since that night I have random spasms and outbreaks of creativity. Dialogues and pictures, entire scenes forming in my head – I can virtually see them, I can see Edward and Bella in flesh and blood standing right in front of me, talking. I feel what they feel, hear what they think, it’s all right there in front of me.
And I did it again... in just three days I’ve seen a movie twice.
But it’s so much more than that...

Is it the „don’t“ that makes this story so attractive to me? The danger, the „I know that it’s bad for me but I can’t help it“? The knowing but unconscious self-destruction...
Or is it the intensity of their love? That they would risk absolutely anything in the world to save each other and to be together regardless of how unlikely it seems that they succeed?
Is it just the „forever“?
Everything has to come to an end, that’s the way our lives work. Death is the final ending. But in Edwards case... Eternity truly is forever.
So is it just the magic of that word? Forever.

It seems so bizarre... And yet, it happened again. I was rushing home, eager to get on my laptop and write everything down that’s going on in my mind right now.
I have written short stories before and other stuff of that kind but never ever has someone seen it. Texts that come from so deep within are usually something I keep to myself. But I must share this. I must share what’s running out of me, like a wild stream of thoughts, pictures and words.

You may read it, you may not. You may think I’m crazy and to be honest sometimes I think that, too. But this movie has given me so much. And I can feel that it’s not over yet.

Edward... Why are you still here? I thought you were leaving me... Don’t look at me. Go away. You’re torturing me... I can’t look into your eyes any more... I want to touch you, feel your cold white skin... I want to feel your breath on my neck whenever you have to control your own desires... I want you, Edward. I need you. Like you said... You are like my own personal brand of heroine. You are my drug. I can’t spend a day without thinking of you. I want you. I need you. Take me to the sky, take me to your world. I don’t care about here and now, if this is not with you I don’t want it. Wherever you are, I am too. You stole my heart, Edward. And you never gave it back. Even if you think this is the right thing to do, even if you think you will save my silly mortal life like that, you’re wrong. You are the reason I’m dying. You’re killing me, with every day more and more. I cannot be without you. I never knew why you didn’t just let the venom spread... I could be like you. We could climb up trees and mountains, lie in the sun, watching our skin turn to diamonds as we look into eachother’s eyes. Edward, you cursed me since the day I met you. It doesn’t matter how much you think this is going to help, I am forever yours and no one can change that. My blood runs in your veins, your mind speaks to mine, our hearts beat in symphony. You will never leave me, I will never find the power or will to let you go. For as long as I live, I will be yours. Forever.

„Why do you love me so much? You know we can’t be together.“
„I know. But I can’t stop. Every cell in my body lives for you since the day I’ve met you. My mind is helplessly devoted to yours, without you I am not. You are the reason I breathe, Edward.“
„You’re talking about life when you know that mine ended. How can this be fair? Every second I spend with you I am putting you in danger, don’t you understand? We cannot go on like this. You and I... we can’t be together. It is against everything, against nature, against God and all the demons I know.“
„But Edward... How can you expect from me to let you go when I know that this is meant to be. This is where I belong, right here next to you- No. Don’t give me that look. I know I am safe. You could never hurt me. And you won’t let anybody else hurt me. We are meant to be. Forever.“
„Forever...“
„Yes, forever. And if this means giving my mortal life away, if this means to scarify everything I know, I am prepared to do it. Edward, don’t you understand?! There is no life in me when I am without you! My heart bleeds when I only think about it. How can you expect me to go back now that I’ve already crossed the line? I know who you are – what you are. And still, I am here.“
„Are you afraid?“
„No.“
„Are you afraid that I just kill you in the middle of the night, while watching you sleep, watching you breathe slowly in and out, watching your chest rise and fall, like an unknown melody of the night? It only takes one second... One snap. I just have to breathe in your scent – your lovely, tantalising, tempting scent – one time too often... And I kill you. Who tells you that I’m not going to do that? You may make the monster fall asleep, but you will never kill it. It will always be within me. It will always be in my nature.“
„I love you Edward. And you love me. This is different.“

Two lovers, doomed forever in their ever consuming love. There is no life within and no life without. You thought you had your life in control, go to college, graduate, have a nice home and a family. And then you met him. You looked into his eyes, he looked into yours. But what you saw went beyond everything you could have ever imagined.
You thought horror stories didn’t exist.
Now you live in one.

Antonia Landi, inspired by Twilight