I feel like writing a blog.

I don't know what this is gonna be about... I just feel like writing and saying some things and getting rid of some of my thoughts...

So much happened in the past few days. I went to Derby for the LostAlone hometown gig, met new people and had a blast. It was fucking awesome. I went to Glasgow two days after that and it was awesome as well. My mom and my sis are gonna come visit me on saturday and stay for a week. I hope it's gonna be good.

I'm listening to LostAlone. Constantly. I can't get away from their music. Now less than ever.

Some of my really good friends are going back to their homes by the end of this month. It makes me feel sad and weird.

I don't know what to do with my life. I never really did. The more time passes, the more I want to stay here. What am I running away from? I'm always running away from something.

"You are the fugitive but you don't know what you're running from"

I've been addicted to the Arctic Monkeys lately. And The Killers. Don't ask me why.

I hate it when people talk and ask me about my future.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT I AM GOING TO DO.

Please just let it be like that and don't ask me anything about it anymore. I am so fucking sick of this. I don't wanna talk about it. I don't wanna think about it. I don't even wanna think about thinking about it. All that fucking future-talk just made me escape to Scotland so that I don't have to hear about this anymore. And now you start again. I say one word, make the mistake to speak out loud what I was THINKING, only THINKING, maybe considering as an alternative, and suddenly there's a million people asking me about my future again! What the fuck?!

I DON'T KNOW.

All I know is that I'm sick of it. I'm sick of the future I haven't even lived trhough yet. And wow, guess what, I know even more.
I am unhappy with my life. It's ok for now, I have a job and I can survive with it. But I wanna fucking do something with my life! I wanna achieve something, I wanna have a job or at least an aim that absolutely fulfills me. I wanna find something that I can be passionate about, something that I want to live and breathe, every second of my life. I wanna be proud of myself and my job, leave everything behind and do what I am supposed to do, do what I can do best, do what I am MEANT to do.

But what is it?

It seems that there is nothing out there, or out here, or at least in my direct environment that excites me enough to develop itself as my constant passion. And then there are times where I think that it's just all my fault and I just still can't really be bothered enough to really look for it...

Shouldn't a passion, YOUR passion, come naturally? Shouldn't it be THE thing, when you know exactly that this is what you want to do for the rest of your life, the thing that makes your brain go CLICK?

But then again...

I am probably thinking that because I am just too lazy to think about my future and I need an excuse not to do so, so I say that it should come to me and not consist of me looking for something.

But everytime I think that, even the moment I wrote that sentence above, my brain SCREAMS at me, yells out into the world:

"NO, MOTHERFUCKER, THAT'S NOT TRUE! I THINK ABOUT THAT SHIT EVERY FUCKING DAY, EVERY FUCKING NIGHT, EVERY FUCKING SECOND OF MY LIFE AND IT'S JUST NOT GETTING BETTER!!! I AM NOT LAZY, I AM LOOKING FOR MY FUTURE, I AM TRYING TO FIGURE IT OUT, I WANT TO KNOW! I AM NOT DOING THIS ON PURPOSE, JUST TO ANNOY YOU. IT'S BOTHERING ME FOR YEARS NOW AND I TOO SUFFER!!! IT'S NOT EASY NOT TO KNOW ANYTHING, IT'S ACTUALLY DAMN FUCKING HARD!!!! I TRY AND I TRY AND I TRY BUT THERE'S NOTHING COMING OUT OF IT! NO RESULTS, NO ACTIONS, NOT EVEN AN IDEA! BELIVE ME, I'VE TRIED AND I'M STILL TRYING!!! BUT THERE'S JUST NOTHING COMING OUT OF IT...!"

Yes. This is how desperate I am. This is really what's going on in my mind, pretty much since more than three years. I can't bear it anymore. I am tired of constantly thinking about it. I am tired of noticing that I fail everytime I try to put together a future for me. I am tired of researching, searching information, looking for ideas, telling myself "yeah, that sounds ok" when inside I perfectly know that I don't want something that's just ok. I don't want a mediocre future, mediocre degree, mediocre life. I don't want to become one of the living dead souls, just because once long time ago I decided to resign, not to look any further, simply because I was tired, too tired to move on, too tired to live in uncertainty any longer, and unknowingly gave up my dream.

I look outside my bedroom window and the sun is gone. It's still bright, but it has taken its golden glow with it. The glow that makes you believe that you can actually TOUCH the light... Now it's gone. And the world looks ordinary again.

Much love,
Toni
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