Okay.

I've been pushing this off for a long time now... I think it is time.

I am, now for all to see, officially staying in Edinburgh.

Don't be sad or mad or start asking questions, don't hassle me, don't make me re-think what I really want.

A lot of things have been going wrong and are still going wrong. Basically my whole "plan" went wrong and the best thing to do would be going back to Switzerland as scheduled, on 30th August. I don't like my flat, I wanna move, I can't get into the University I so wanted to go to, sometimes I don't even have money to eat, my papers are a mess and after all, I am still alone in this city and I don't even have a piano.
But despite all those things, I still want to stay here.

Edinburgh has something of its own... Something that makes you fall in love with it and you can't help it. You can't imagine how often I heard people tell me about how they were suppsed to stay here for a couple of months and now they've been living here for years.
Well... now I am one of those people.

I don't know when I'll be coming back to Switzerland, or if - all I know is that I want to stay here and that is exactly what I am going to do.

My parents keep asking themselves and me what they did wrong and why I don't want to go back. I know that they will never read this, but still: They didn't do anything wrong. YOU didn't do anything wrong. This is just what I have to do now.

And to prevent all those annoying questions: Yes, of course I miss you. Yes, of course it would be cool to hang out together again. But you have to understand... Edinburgh is about three times bigger than Basel and sometimes it still seems too small to me, I would feel completely lost in Switzerland. The UK is a major country (whatever that means), modern music history is being written here everyday, authors, artists and musicians live here, this is where it all happens. I can't go back to a country that holds the biggest Military Tattoo, the legendary Glastonbury festival and probably the most diverse history of literature to a country that is just... small.
I don't feel like I belong in Switzerland... Call me mad but I always had the feeling I was made for something bigger, something with more importance than just the bank secret.
Don't get me wrong, I like Switzerland, it's the place I grew up in, it's where my family is. But my heart always belonged to Italy and now my mind belongs to Scotland.

I don't know what I am going to do here, my rough plan is to work full time until next year and then start University. Don't ask me questions as the answer will be "I don't know". But I'm fine with that now, and you should be too.

And remember... just because I'm not in the same country as you doesn't mean that we can't be friends.

Yours forever loving,
Antonia
<3

In two days time I had to say goodbye to two of my best friends and one very very special person, goodbyes that could be forever.
I was at the airport twice, having to watch them walk away, maybe wave one last time and then... gone.
In two days time I basically said goodbye to my entire social life, with three flatmates leaving on top of that.
And just like this wasn't enough, in exactly those two days I was told that my parents are gonna give away my cat cause my niece is allergic to her.

This cat means the world to me.

My sister wanted to give her away when the baby came - I locked myself in her basement, where Poppy was, sat there, looked at her, talked to her and cried. I did everything to convince my sister to give her to me... I succeeded.
Shortly before my family and I went to the airport I ran through the whole house, desperate to find my cat.
I couldn't find her.
I never said goodbye.

In two days time I had several small and one big mental breakdown, I felt so much pain like I didn't in a long time, I smiled when I wanted to cry, I went to bed and tried to sleep when secretly I was just so desperate that I was afraid that I'd do something stupid, in two days time I went to hell and still didn't come back.

I'm done...
Yeah... I'm done.

I feel like writing a blog.

I don't know what this is gonna be about... I just feel like writing and saying some things and getting rid of some of my thoughts...

So much happened in the past few days. I went to Derby for the LostAlone hometown gig, met new people and had a blast. It was fucking awesome. I went to Glasgow two days after that and it was awesome as well. My mom and my sis are gonna come visit me on saturday and stay for a week. I hope it's gonna be good.

I'm listening to LostAlone. Constantly. I can't get away from their music. Now less than ever.

Some of my really good friends are going back to their homes by the end of this month. It makes me feel sad and weird.

I don't know what to do with my life. I never really did. The more time passes, the more I want to stay here. What am I running away from? I'm always running away from something.

"You are the fugitive but you don't know what you're running from"

I've been addicted to the Arctic Monkeys lately. And The Killers. Don't ask me why.

I hate it when people talk and ask me about my future.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT I AM GOING TO DO.

Please just let it be like that and don't ask me anything about it anymore. I am so fucking sick of this. I don't wanna talk about it. I don't wanna think about it. I don't even wanna think about thinking about it. All that fucking future-talk just made me escape to Scotland so that I don't have to hear about this anymore. And now you start again. I say one word, make the mistake to speak out loud what I was THINKING, only THINKING, maybe considering as an alternative, and suddenly there's a million people asking me about my future again! What the fuck?!

I DON'T KNOW.

All I know is that I'm sick of it. I'm sick of the future I haven't even lived trhough yet. And wow, guess what, I know even more.
I am unhappy with my life. It's ok for now, I have a job and I can survive with it. But I wanna fucking do something with my life! I wanna achieve something, I wanna have a job or at least an aim that absolutely fulfills me. I wanna find something that I can be passionate about, something that I want to live and breathe, every second of my life. I wanna be proud of myself and my job, leave everything behind and do what I am supposed to do, do what I can do best, do what I am MEANT to do.

But what is it?

It seems that there is nothing out there, or out here, or at least in my direct environment that excites me enough to develop itself as my constant passion. And then there are times where I think that it's just all my fault and I just still can't really be bothered enough to really look for it...

Shouldn't a passion, YOUR passion, come naturally? Shouldn't it be THE thing, when you know exactly that this is what you want to do for the rest of your life, the thing that makes your brain go CLICK?

But then again...

I am probably thinking that because I am just too lazy to think about my future and I need an excuse not to do so, so I say that it should come to me and not consist of me looking for something.

But everytime I think that, even the moment I wrote that sentence above, my brain SCREAMS at me, yells out into the world:

"NO, MOTHERFUCKER, THAT'S NOT TRUE! I THINK ABOUT THAT SHIT EVERY FUCKING DAY, EVERY FUCKING NIGHT, EVERY FUCKING SECOND OF MY LIFE AND IT'S JUST NOT GETTING BETTER!!! I AM NOT LAZY, I AM LOOKING FOR MY FUTURE, I AM TRYING TO FIGURE IT OUT, I WANT TO KNOW! I AM NOT DOING THIS ON PURPOSE, JUST TO ANNOY YOU. IT'S BOTHERING ME FOR YEARS NOW AND I TOO SUFFER!!! IT'S NOT EASY NOT TO KNOW ANYTHING, IT'S ACTUALLY DAMN FUCKING HARD!!!! I TRY AND I TRY AND I TRY BUT THERE'S NOTHING COMING OUT OF IT! NO RESULTS, NO ACTIONS, NOT EVEN AN IDEA! BELIVE ME, I'VE TRIED AND I'M STILL TRYING!!! BUT THERE'S JUST NOTHING COMING OUT OF IT...!"

Yes. This is how desperate I am. This is really what's going on in my mind, pretty much since more than three years. I can't bear it anymore. I am tired of constantly thinking about it. I am tired of noticing that I fail everytime I try to put together a future for me. I am tired of researching, searching information, looking for ideas, telling myself "yeah, that sounds ok" when inside I perfectly know that I don't want something that's just ok. I don't want a mediocre future, mediocre degree, mediocre life. I don't want to become one of the living dead souls, just because once long time ago I decided to resign, not to look any further, simply because I was tired, too tired to move on, too tired to live in uncertainty any longer, and unknowingly gave up my dream.

I look outside my bedroom window and the sun is gone. It's still bright, but it has taken its golden glow with it. The glow that makes you believe that you can actually TOUCH the light... Now it's gone. And the world looks ordinary again.

Much love,
Toni
<3

Derby – here I come.

For those who don’t know yet: I’m planning a trip to Derby, to see one of my favourite bands, LostAlone, play in their Hometown. It’s gonna be great cause there’s gonna be a meetup with all the board people before the gig and afterwards the venue is gonna turn into a club. I’m so excited about that trip! But surprisingly, not only because of LostAlone. While I was planning my trip I stumbled across this beautiful House, Chatsworth House, near Derby and, being in the middle of reading Pride & Prejudice, I immediately thought of Pemberley, the grand, luxurious House of Mr. Darcy. Well... it turned out that scenes of the Film with Keira Knightley as Elizabeth Bennett were in fact shot there and that it was most probable that Jane Austen actually thought of Chatsworth House while writing of Pemberley.

And so... after very long hours of planning and finding maps and timetables, I finally got it together. I’m gonna go to Chatsworth House! I seriously don’t know how I’ll manage to stay awake, as I have to get the bus at ten to eight in the fucking morning (no joke) and my way there and back will take approximately about two hours and considering the fact that I’m sure as hell gonna stay in the club after the gig you can only imagine how much sleep I’ll get and most of all: How fucking exhausted I’ll be even before going. But I know that its stunning beauty and grandeur will not only keep me awake, but take me onto a wonderful journey to past centuries and forgotten stories.
I’m only gonna be able to be there for 4 1/2 hours but I don’t care – I don’t care if I only were there for 10 minutes, or if it was at the end of the world – I just have to see it.

Don’t ask me why I’m so obsessed with castles and houses and all sorts of stuff of that kind. Maybe it’s because it’s perfect material for getting lost in one of my many daydreams or maybe it’s just the simple thought of what stories may have happened in those walls, what people may have lived there long before our time – what tragedies, what romances must have happened there! that absolutely fascinates me in every possible way.

I don’t know what it is, and to be honest, I’m fine with not knowing. All I know is that I want to go there and that I’m actually really going there.

42 days to go.

Derby here I come.

Chatsworth House here I come.

Mr Darcy, here I come...

I must finish my blog entry now as I am perturbated by a dream I had, which made me feel absolutely terrible... I must write a letter to a very dear friend of mine.

With Pemberley in mind, I leave you.
Much love,
Toni
<3

Saturday, 22nd March 08 - 9:21pm

Finally, after two weeks in this flat without internet, after nine fucking weeks in my host family without internet before that, I have a steady 24/7 internet connection!!!!!!!!!!

I am so excited about that, you can't even imagine. Well maybe you can... as I'm writing a blog on internet :]
But yeah, now it's defo gonna be a lot easier to stay in touch with everybody and just go back to my normal internet activities I missed so much!

Anyways, I have internet now and you better have it too.

Happy Easter everybody and see ya in the magical world of the www :]
Much love
Toni
<3

I don’t feel too good. In fact, I feel like crap. Don’t ask me why... Maybe because I’m here for over 9 weeks now and I’m slowly getting homesick, maybe because things aren’t working out as I wanted them to, maybe because I haven’t really recovered from my illness yet... At least mentally, that is. It’s just really hard trying to get back to your social life again when you just disappeared for two weeks. Add in the fact that I’m not going to school with my friends anymore and you more or less pictured my situation.

Yeah... things aren’t going well recently.

Update: 11th March 08, 2.39pm

Just so you know... I happen to feel better.

After two weeks of excrusciating illness, not being able to sleep, nor breathe or swallow normally, not being able to stand on my feet for more than a couple of minutes without being exhausted, after all this I’m finally here again. Back from the dead. Walking, not very fast yet, but walking. And it feels so fucking good. Seriously, after two weeks lying in your bed and just praying for it to get better, being able to sleep the whole night through without waking up even once seems like a little miracle. And it feels just as good as one!
But enough of all that ill-talk. Here’s some updates:

I moved my stuff into the flat! I’m officially gonna move in on Saturday, as I have a contract with the host family till then but OMG seriously how cool is that?! And the best:

I’M GONNA HAVE INTERNET 24/7!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That’s actually the part I’m most excited about. I mean, I’ve been tied to my bed for the last two weeks, that means no internet for two weeks, you can imagine how I feel. Especially cause I’m in desperate need of a new myspace layout!!! It’s driving me crazy that I can’t look at it and I can’t do anything about it! But soon everything’s gonna get better... (And yeah, I guess you can call me an internet addict. But we all knew that before, didn’t we?)

Oh and by the way: I got a job. It’s at a coffee shop which is gonna open its first cafe in 1 1/2 weeks. It’s called Coffee Republic and I’m really excited about it cause everything’s gonna be fresh and new and the company’s just about to start in Edinburgh so it’s really exciting for them as well and everyone’s just gonna be excited and yeah. Exciting :]

Tomorrow’s technically my last day of school. I’m not gonna go as I’m actually still officially sick... I have a doctor’s certificate for two weeks. Kinda weird though... not going to school anymore. It’s really like a small re-enacting of finishing high school. Like... you go to school and suddenly it’s finished and you’ve got to move on... and that’s exactly what you do. And that’s what I’m gonna do. I mean, hell, I moved into a flat and I’m gonna start working full time for the first time in my life starting in 1 1/2 weeks! That’s moving on if you ask me. Oh and the cool thing is: I have one week off! Off everything! Cause school’s finished and work doesn’t start until next next Monday! So I’m just gonna play tourist for a week. FINALLY. I’ve been nine weeks in this beautiful city and I haven’t even visited the castle. Shame on me.

Alrighty, I’m gonna go watch Notting Hill now... I never get tired of it.
„I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her...“
Now that’s mayor aww-ness!

Much love from the alive
Toni
<3

It’s funny how people change over the years. And how much you’re attached to the reputation you have without even noticing it. I mean, think of it. As soon as you’ve known somebody for more than only some weeks you start to have a picture of that person, a certain way you think this person behaves and thinks. I never thought I had that much of a reputation, or, even better: I never thought me and my reputation were so little alike. The people I went to school with may remember me as black-clothed, sarcastic, pessimistic girl who spent most of the schooldays scribbling lyrics on her folders and recovering from roadtrips. And since I’m here and I have to fill out application forms I hear people talking about me as a very friendly, positive, open-minded, smilie person. Believe it or not, but that really surprised me. Especially the „positive“ thing. I mean, not even I would consider myself a very positive person but apparently that’s the vibe people get from me. Not that it’s bad! It’s just... new. It’s so funny how certain actions in the past influence the way people look at you. And it gets even more interesting when you „erase“ the past, go somewhere no-one knows or has heard of you. Suddenly you discover stuff about yourself you weren’t even aware of. Surly, the question is: Which truth is the real one? The past will always be a part of us, it shaped us, it made us become what we are now. But sometimes the past can influence the present in a negative, unfair way. It makes us look like people we were, but not are.

What would you go for?

First of all:

OMG!!! I PUT MY PLUG IN!!!

It hurt like HELL at the beginning but now it’s ok. It actually doesn’t hurt at all anymore. But geez... till I finally squeezed those 5 mm in my earhole! But now it’s all good. I’ve got plugs! XD

Then some crazy night out pic... (yes, it's vodka, want some?)

As you can see, I'm pretty drunk there...

And then (was about time) a pic of Maria, Stephie and me! XD

That's all for now, Stephie is sending me pics we did via Bluetooth so watch out for some more Pics!

See ya!
Much love,
Toni
<3